Please excuse the bad languages. I don’t normally speak this ways. I only use bad languages when I’m quoting movies or trying to make a points.

I love youse. Please vote for me.

(signed)
Eddie McOwskey

P.S.
Don’t expect one of these videos everyday. They are a real pains.

Folks,

Senators vote on wars. Soldiers fight these wars.  The average age of a U.S. Senators is 63 years old. I don’t know the average age of a U.S. soldiers because I don’t have the patience  for an in-depth internet searches, but from what I found it looks like a huge chunk of our brave men and women servings are 18 to 24 years old, folks.  

Wow, folks! Some old rich guy with five or six mistresses in a Lincoln Town Cars gets to sit back and dictate whether some 18 year old is placed in harm’s way in some CRAZY DESERT!?  That ain’t fairs!

Now some people say congresses can only feel the impacts of wars when their sons and daughters are drafteds.  Sons and daughters, folks?  What are we, the mob?  Tommy Sopranos?  Targeting family members, folks?

No.  If you want Senators to stop votings for crap wars, you put a military recruiters on the senate floors.  And anybody who votes for the use of military force has to go be part of that military force.

You vote for war, you serve a tour!

End of discussion, folks.  Take that to the banks, because the stock market ain’t safes.

Please vote for me. I beg of youse.  I’m down to twenty bucks in my wallets and need the steady paycheck of a civil servant job.

Please folks, I beg of youse, listen to this podcasts!  I ain’t got much else.

I’m tired of wars. It seems like the only ways for peoples to get serious about somethings is start a wars. And what good have wars brought, I ask youse? Besides economic booms, stabilization of the powers that be’s, and successfully managing both a nation’s enemies and their domestic populations with propagandas and violent use of forces? Yeah, folks, if you’re a bum, war is an easy way to force others to get you out of a fix.

And we don’t even have to go to wars against a countries. We can go to war against a thing… Folks, sick of the war on drugs, the war on wheat glutens, and the war on terrors. Let’s not beat around the bushes anymore folks, if we’re going to fight a wars, how about a wars against the real problem: Assholes.

That’s rigth folks, it was assholes who hijacked the planes on nine-elevens, it’s assholes who sold drugs to our kids, it’s assholes who kill folks indiscriminatelies, and it’s assholes who cut in front of us in lines when we’ve been waiting all week to see Leap Years. It’s assholes who send us email spams. It’s assholes who kick people out of their houses. It’s assholes who sell their influences to the highest bidders. It’s assholes who don’t use turn signals. It’s assholes who walk down the streets with golf umbrellas when there is never room to do so’s. It’s assholes who yell at you for being thirty minutes late for some do-nothing desk jobs. It’s assholes who make you buy things by trying to make you feel bad about yourselves. It’s assholes, folks.

That’s why I proposes a War on Assholes! The wars to end all wars.

Now, assholes don’t wear uniforms, they don’t come from one coutries, there is no asshole accent, no asshole skin color. But, folks, all of us can spot an assholes, because we’ve all been assholes. I know I have. This morning I bumped into somebodies and didn’t utter so much as a peeps. I think I stepped on a woman’s toes last weeks on the trains. She was hearing open toed shoes. I just laughed at her pains. In seventh grade, I picked on some kid just because everyone else did and he had weird pimples. I’ve been an asshole, folks. I’ve pretended to go out for a smokes and walked out on restaurant checks. I’ve yelled at cats.

What other politician is going to go on his cheap wordpress blog and admit that he’s an assholes.

And as Mr. Jesus tells us, lest he is without the sins be the firsts to cast the stones. So, this is not a war of name callings and blame. This a war to simply put aside the asshole way of life.

How is the War on Assholes to be foughts? Not with guns, nunchackus, or nuculear bombs, for the assholes will always win the wars of violences (they’re assholes). The War on Assholes will be fought by folks, like you and me’s, not putting up with the razzmatazzes, the song and dances, the shocks, the awes, the wednesday night primetime programmings of the blusters and the bombasts. This wars will be fought by not donating to the asshole culture and the asshole religions by unnecessary purchasings of their useless craps, trinkets, and telephones.

And most importantlies this war will be fought by voting… for me, folks. If you know of any elections please write my name ins. It would help me achieve my dream of not temping anymores. Please folks, I need the sweet civil servant paychecks, insurances, and pensions.

Sincerelies,

Eddie McOwskeys

I’m calling my begging for money campaign/solicitation for political donations the CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR movement. Please, folks. One dollar. I haven’t seen Avatars yet and it would be nice to enjoy myself on your cash. Thank youse.

Corzines has done it again and stole a classic move from the McOwskey playbook!

Click here for mp3 of podcast, folks!

My name is Eddie McOwskey and I’m currently running for New Jersey State Governors, the most fancy job in all of New Jerseys. As you know me, I am an all around good guy (unlike those two bums I’m running against, bald Governor Jon Corzines and puff faced District Attorney Chris Christies). In fact, I can’t think of anyone who’s ever complained about me, except maybe my fifth grade art teachers who politely requested that I stop drawing so many naked pictures of Morgan Fairchilds. Point beings, I should be governors because I got the goods, folks! Those other guys are just nickels and dimes, spare change. Two pigs in a pod.

Because of my utmost belief in myself, I am writing to youse because I need a little help, to the tune of LOTS O’ CASH and/or FREE PUBLICITIES.

Folks, this is it. The home stretch, some day in Novembers (I’m going to have to check my calendar for the specifics on this one), New Jerseys is going to pick it’s next Governors and that person should be me because I used to date cheerleaders in high school, folks. Also, I can scream the loudest, I never stray from circumstance, and I can BALANCE YA TAXES!

(hold for applause and cheers)

Sure, politics is senseless, a perversion of democracies, and not worth your times, but let me tell you why I need to win this race. I believe I can steer New Jerseys to a better tomorrow, an unfettered paradise, without sacrifice and any sort of inconvenience on your parts. Here are some of my talking points:

• Experience: I’m the best. Those other two guys are ridiculous. And smell of unwashed undershirts.
• Schools: I’m going to make the schools better by making the schools better.
• Immigration: Nobody leaves Jersey unless they have a note from me or your mothers.
• Abortion: I believe life begins at 40.
• Marriage: No more marriage folks, let’s just agree to keep it casual. No stress, no stress.
• Health Insurance: Free for all and we’ll pay for it by charging people every time they complain about how sick they feel. You whine, you pay, I win.
• Jobs: I want to be known as the “Jobs Governors,” I got a stack of dirty dishes that need to be washed and a lawn that needs to be mowed, that’s two, folks. That’s two.
• Change: For a dollar, folks!
• Evolution: The Human Body has many flaws, it’s time for blame! I want wings!
• The Work Week: 30 Minutes a day, 5 days a week, after two and half hours, it’s the weekend, folks!
• Faith: I am a devote soul who believes that Spidermans will swing down from the Heavens, wearing robes of pure sunshine and whisper powerball numbers into our ears. Webs are what bring us togethers.
• Mars: Dare we gamble, folks?

To pull this off, I need to raise, I’m thinking $126,987. I know times are tough. But come on. It’s me. If you want to throw away a quarter, buck, or c-note, visit this fascinating link:
http://mcowskey.chipin.com/mcowskey-for-nj-governors

What will your hard earned cash be used for?

• TV Ads
• “An Internet Presence”
• Campaign Buttons
• Campaign Administration
• Living Expenses
• Groceries
• Entertainment
• A Nice Weekend Away for Me and My Live-In Girlfriend, Rose, you know to “decompress” in some pacific island paradise
• Paying for Endorsements
• Bribing Journalists for Airtimes
• Fine Suits
• Tapas

Hey, if you want something for your money, besides the intangible and non-refundable sense of pride in contributing to a public figure, check out the official McOwskey Campaign “I GAVE MONEY TO A POLITICIAN T-SHIRT” (all shirts are made in the U.S.A. and the company has some very fancy ethical mission statement or some such nonsense, folks, and I get around $9 for each t-shirt that sells).

Men’s Sizes: http://skreened.com/mcowskey/i-gave-money-to-a-politician-men-s
Women’s Sizes: http://skreened.com/mcowskey/i-gave-money-to-a-politician-women-s

Or if you’re a crafty person and want to make your own iron-on’s to tell the world what’s up, I attached the graphics for you to prints. Either way, spread the words!

AND IF I MAY, if you haven’t done so already, please sign the petiton to have me appear of The Colbert Report and spread it around on your facebooks, your tweets, and wherever Spidermans’ glory shines.
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/eddie-mcowskey-on-the-colbert-report.html
Thanks to all who have already signed it!

Want to get involved with the campaigns for street actions in Times Square, Union Square, and other locations? Write back! Know of any media outlets that would be interested in hearing at me yell at them? Write back! Don’t want to hear from me anymore? Write back! Want to spread the word? Change your middle name in Facebook to “McOwskey,”

Thank you all for all your solid gold support the last few years! We can win this!

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors!
McOwskey.com

• To rid all elevators, narrow sidewalks, and all confined spaces of baby strollers. I can’t stand those hulking behemoths, folks.
• To enforce strict speed limits on scooters and electric wheelchairs. Where’s the fire, folks?
• To stimulate the economy by maxing out everyone’s credit cards.
• To make spinache the official Pizza topping of New Jerseys, absolutely delicious, folks.
• To increase sustainable agricultures by increasing sustainable agricultures (no questions, please).
• To tax bad posture. I know I have to work on mine, what better way to solve this state problems than through fiscal penalties that go towards long-term no bid state infrastructure projects.
• To end campaign finance reforms. if you don’t want politicians spending so much money, stop giving it them, folks.
• To control guns by politely asking people to not use guns and taxing each bullet that does not hit it’s intended target.
• To increase drug laws, drug penalties, drug stigma, and drug use to keep the system alive. It’s important to keep both sides of law enforcement alive and well, folks. Otherwise we might suffer a long boring peace, like they have in those lousy Scandinavian countries.

That’s just the beginning, folks.

Eddie McOwskey

I enjoyed watching all of your ceromonies, speeches, and splendor yesterdays. My temp job was nice enough to let us all watch during our lunch hour on a broken 13 inch TV that can’t be fixed due to the economy and bailouts. However, I got to thinking…

If I was hired at a new job and started my first day of work with a big ceremony and speech showing off myself (”I, Eddie McOwskey do solemnly swear to show up at 9am, email my friends, and dodge the phone…”). Then, after that pomp and circumstance, I dashed off to ten seperate parties to celebrate–I wouldn’t make it past lunch!

Come on, pal. First day on the job! Let’s get some pens out, find out where the bathroom’s are, and get cracking. Ten parties! And you haven’t even done anything yet! This is no time for the sophomore slump!

Please endorse me,

Eddie McOwskey

Dear People Who Celebrate Holidays with Gift Giving,

Folks, I’ll be honest. I don’t have the cash, the desire, or the time to buy all my loved ones, aquaintances, and alledged cousins pieces of crap this holiday season. Plus, isn’t the world in an economic apocalypse? TV news has gotten so bad with reporting the financial woes that last night Brian Williams closed out the NBC Nightly News by asking if any of his viewers could spare five bucks for bus fare.

So, come on. Let’s all agree to just cool it on buying gifts this year. I know you were all excited about filling shopping bags up and spending lots of office-work earned cash. But let’s be honest a lot of the stuff we give is some plastic junk that’s only purpose is to serve as a place holder for affection, sentiment, and flamboyance. It’s true, folks. We spend all this time agonzing on what to give Jimmy at work, and every year we get him something that wastes our money, his time, and our planet’s precious resources which are dwindling at a devastating rate of about two bobble heads a day. By 2013 the bobble head population will be struck down to 300.

Just because you can’t buy crappy doo-dads doesn’t mean you can’t give gifts. Here are some ideas to save the holidays, your repuation, and some greenbacks:

• Sing a song
• Leave a funny voicemail
• Bring back the art of macaroni sculptures!
• Send an amusing e-mail forward, preferably the one with old Olan Mills photos and witty commentry
• Cook someone a meal
• Give away all the books you don’t read
• Dispence unsolicited advice
• Decorate Your House with Drawings
• Get ride of the cockroaches in my apartment
• Create a boardgame out of old cardboard, construction paper, and outstanding credit cards
• Put on a talent show
• Vote for Me (please)

Happy Holidays,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

Dear Folks,

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up to date with politics post election. I barely have and I’m a politician (running for New Jersey State Governors–please vote for me). But in a little tiny, forgotten, cold, off the beaten path, bizarre, unruly, and dainty state called Minnesotas, there’s an election still going on for the United States Senate (or as I like to call it the United States House of Lords–the vestigal tail of an electoral college aristocracies who debate issues of philosophies, candors, and nuances while the lowly U.S. House of Commons fixes the potholes and regulates what goes into our Cheetos and beloved Holiday Chex Mix).

Folks, Al Franken, a comedian, movie star, and man with extremely large head (seriously, folks, I don’t know what he does with that thing–the man’s dandruff orbits his skull like a ring of Saturn) is currently embroiled in a recount with some other Senate bum, I think his name is Coleman. Anyway, there was a difference of a couple votes and due to Minnesota’s crazy laws this activates an automatic recount. But they can’t recount the votes until November 18 because up until then all the vote counters are “busy.”

I’m sure Al Franken would make a fine Senator–all of his kooky characters would be right at home in the great live comedy sketch show that is our country’s capitol. But an issue that I have with him is that he has never once commented to his ties with the controversial cereal box children’s character Frankenberry. They have similar names folks. And if you focus on the glasses–I think ole Frankenberry is wearing glasses, they look kind of the same. My questions to Mr. Franken(berry):

• Did you invent Frankenberry in a lab using samples of dead tissues?
• If so, after creating an artificial man (or woman–I think Frankenberry has painted nails), why turn him over the cereal industries, aren’t there other venues for your creation?
• What’s the deal with Frankenberry anyway? I can’t exactly tell what’s going on.
• Why’d you invent Frankenberry, Senator Franken? You have no idea how many times I thought I was watching a cartoon as a child and it turned out to be a commercial for a cereal I wasn’t allowed to eat. You have no idea.

Eddie McOwskey here, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. You know a lot of people come up to me and go “Eddie, what I can I do? The economic crisis is murdering me with the financial meltdown that has stricken the land.” And I respond, “I don’t have any money to give youse. Please allow me on my way.” But folks, this reponse is selfish and easy on my parts.

Remember in Kindergartens when we were little and used to fight over markers, crayons, and that McDonald’s playset with the plastic fries? What did Mrs. Arnold tell us as we sat there with paste in mouths and Inspector Gadget on our brains? She told us to share. Folks, sharing is always the answer. We are a herd animal folks: look at any highway, busy street, or ant-farm like supermarket. From high above we look like any herd of gazelles or infestation of roach. There’s a reason these animals have been around for tens of years without any jobs, welfare checks, or television. And that reason is these animals band togethers and share everything, while still retaining their personalities and amasses of personal wealth. We are all scurrying around, most of the time unawares that we are part of a larger group moving in the same direction–why not realize our own unity and preport it by pooling our resources for our continued mutual and personal successes.

We don’t need to buy so many things folks. If I have a book sitting on my shelf that you want to read, don’t go to Amazon.com and buy your own ask me to borrow it. If you have a box of cereal that you opened and don’t want the rest of because you already found the toy and that was all you bought that box of Fruity Pebbles for–share that box of Fruity Pebbles–Fred Flinstone would thank you. If you need to buy a car but have three friends who need to buy a car and you just need it to go to work and the occasional errand, why not share a car with friends?

I know a lot of you people who had secret crushes on Ronald Reagans and Henry Kissingers are looking at me right now and calling me a socialist or a communist because I think people should share: GET THIS THROUGH YOUR SKULL SHARING IS NOT COMMUNISM SHARING IS SHARING AND SHARING IS FUN! If sharing were bad, would Mrs. Arnold have made it class policy? Was Mrs. Arnold meeting Soviet Agents in Mexico City on the weekends to plot the demise of capitalism? No (that was crazy uncle Ralph).

Folks, you want to make it through this economic collapse and more importantly live in a world without such artificial woes? Share. Share your food, your things, and your cheers. If we keep not sharing we’re going to be like little Stevey B. who didn’t share in class and grew up to have a boring job at the bank. Who wants that? Seriouslies, folks.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

Dear Mr. President Barack Obamas,

First and foremosts, congratulations to you, my friend. You leaped over the hurdles of creptitude and traversed the windy seas of adversitimidity. The S.S. Barack has landed ashore the Presidential coast on a wave of votes, smiles, tears, excitements, and nicorette.

Incidentallies, besides giving you a couple pats on the back and slaps on the butt (it’s a male sign of affection, folks–baseball players do it all the time, so just calm down–calm it down, please)–I wanted to ask you a favor. Can I borrow a couple hundred bucks and can you endorse me? Please. I need to use the mimeograph to run off some flyers. And how beautiful would those black and white mimeographs (on pink paper) look if it said you endorse me.

On a side note to be footnoted, Mr. Presidents… I heard you might tap Gov. Jonny Corzines to be your secretary of the treasury. First of all, please ignore my previous comments about Corzines having only 1 friend on Myspace, being bald, a little overweight, and wearing glasses. Besides this I’m sure he would be great at you know being secretary of the treasury. I do some secretary work for my temp agency and believe me, anyone can do it. I’m sure they’ll be heavy phones–everyone wants to schedule an appointment to run around the treasury for five minutes and grab as much cash as they can. He’ll probably have to do a lot of typing–are dollar bills typed individually?–that’ll keep him busy! And just think with ole Corzines out of the picture, how easy it will be for your favorite gubernatorial candidate to become governor of New Jerseys. Please, Mr. President Barack Obamas.

311 (They can answer anything)
The CIA (Only open during business hours so we may just get a prerecorded message)
The Democratic Party of American Samoa (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
The Republican Party of Guam (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
Diebold (To See How their Electronic Voting Machines are working)
The Whitehouse Switchboard (To See if Any Moving Trucks Have Showed up)
Halliburton (controls the world)
Exxon (contributions to both Obama and McCain, along with Chevron and BP)
Land’s End 24 Hour Customer Service (They’re very helpful)

*But Allowed to vote in primaries

Indoors: 25mph