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Archive of posts filed under the Eddie-Torial category.

Vote for War, Serve a Tour

12 February 2010, 10:18 am

Folks,

Senators vote on wars. Soldiers fight these wars.  The average age of a U.S. Senators is 63 years old. I don’t know the average age of a U.S. soldiers because I don’t have the patience  for an in-depth internet searches, but from what I found it looks like a huge chunk of our brave men and women servings are 18 to 24 years old, folks.  

Wow, folks! Some old rich guy with five or six mistresses in a Lincoln Town Cars gets to sit back and dictate whether some 18 year old is placed in harm’s way in some CRAZY DESERT!?  That ain’t fairs!

Now some people say congresses can only feel the impacts of wars when their sons and daughters are drafteds.  Sons and daughters, folks?  What are we, the mob?  Tommy Sopranos?  Targeting family members, folks?

No.  If you want Senators to stop votings for crap wars, you put a military recruiters on the senate floors.  And anybody who votes for the use of military force has to go be part of that military force.

You vote for war, you serve a tour!

End of discussion, folks.  Take that to the banks, because the stock market ain’t safes.

Please vote for me. I beg of youse.  I’m down to twenty bucks in my wallets and need the steady paycheck of a civil servant job.

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EDDIE-TORIAL: The Al Franken(Berry) Recount

10 November 2008, 8:23 am

Dear Folks,

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up to date with politics post election. I barely have and I’m a politician (running for New Jersey State Governors–please vote for me). But in a little tiny, forgotten, cold, off the beaten path, bizarre, unruly, and dainty state called Minnesotas, there’s an election still going on for the United States Senate (or as I like to call it the United States House of Lords–the vestigal tail of an electoral college aristocracies who debate issues of philosophies, candors, and nuances while the lowly U.S. House of Commons fixes the potholes and regulates what goes into our Cheetos and beloved Holiday Chex Mix).

Folks, Al Franken, a comedian, movie star, and man with extremely large head (seriously, folks, I don’t know what he does with that thing–the man’s dandruff orbits his skull like a ring of Saturn) is currently embroiled in a recount with some other Senate bum, I think his name is Coleman. Anyway, there was a difference of a couple votes and due to Minnesota’s crazy laws this activates an automatic recount. But they can’t recount the votes until November 18 because up until then all the vote counters are “busy.”

I’m sure Al Franken would make a fine Senator–all of his kooky characters would be right at home in the great live comedy sketch show that is our country’s capitol. But an issue that I have with him is that he has never once commented to his ties with the controversial cereal box children’s character Frankenberry. They have similar names folks. And if you focus on the glasses–I think ole Frankenberry is wearing glasses, they look kind of the same. My questions to Mr. Franken(berry):

  • Did you invent Frankenberry in a lab using samples of dead tissues?
  • If so, after creating an artificial man (or woman–I think Frankenberry has painted nails), why turn him over the cereal industries, aren’t there other venues for your creation?
  • What’s the deal with Frankenberry anyway? I can’t exactly tell what’s going on.
  • Why’d you invent Frankenberry, Senator Franken? You have no idea how many times I thought I was watching a cartoon as a child and it turned out to be a commercial for a cereal I wasn’t allowed to eat. You have no idea.
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EDDIE-TORIAL: IS IT NOT TIME FOR NATIONAL SHARE-A-BAG-OF-CHIPS DAY?

7 November 2008, 10:05 am

Dear Folks,

Eddie McOwskey here, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. How’s everyone doing? Fine, I assume. But I bet you could all do better. Especially if you’re living in New Jerseys. Well, folks, it seems in this country we’ll name any day of the week a holiday.

“Presiden’t Day”–The president don’t need a day, folks–he rules the world.
“Arbor Day”–A day for trees, folks? I love them too–with their arching bellows and leafy panache. But why do they get a day and not other plants like the cactus or the burr.

“Tuesday”–This day serves no purpose to me. Once they took Who’s The Boss off the air–why bother?

As you can see with so many days singled out for no good reason, let’s have just one day out of the year that’s good for everyone.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF AMERICA: It’s time to have SHARE-A-BAG-OF-CHIP DAY!

You expect me to pay $3 for a bag of chips? That’s murder, folks. Let’s all just share a couple bags of chips today. U.S. Government: Make it a law. Everyone else: Let’s make it fun. Think of all the delightful crunching.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

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EDDIE-Torial: Electric Wheelchair Speed Limits

29 October 2008, 6:58 am

Dear Folks,

I almost just got hit by an electric wheelchair walking to walk barrelling down the street at near-sonic speeds. Therefore, when elected Governors the following speed limits will be imposed on electric wheelchairs:

Indoors: 25mph

On the sidewalks: 30mph
On the streets: 65mph
These restrictions should cut speeds of some electric wheelchais by 50%.
Thank You,

Eddie McOwskey
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EDDIE-TORIAL: UNTIED SHOELACES, END THE STIGMA

29 October 2008, 6:42 am

Dear Folks,

The other day I was skipping down the streets making my merry ways when I accidentally stepped on my shoelace and untied it. It was raining out and the shoelace had become completely soaked. As I walked down the street, battling the elements with assuredness and pleiostitude the untied shoelace smacked against my other shoe. By now the shoelace was like a wet wip. I was tired and in no mood to bend over. But I knew I could make it home with this untied shoelace without injury or alarm.

However, in the pitted echelons of my soul, I knew that some person, probably an old man in a plaid jacket or an elderly woman with a shopping cart, would notice my harmless shoelace, be bothered, then stop and alert me that my shoelace was untied, obligating me to attend to this frivoulous matter out of respect for the Greatest Generation. In no way would I ever be allowed to walk down the street with an untied shoelace and be accepted as normal or decent or deserving of respect for my choice.

As Governor of New Jerseys, I’d like to work towards removing all stigma from untied shoelaces. As the Beatles said “Let it be.”

Furthermore, if citizens are bothered by untied shoelaces I would sign into legislation a government agency committed to tying people’s shoes for them. Thhis agency would also be in charge of putting away people’s groceries after they got home. Who can be bothered, folks?
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EDDIE-TORIAL: THE ENERGY CRISIS IS OVERS!

27 October 2008, 9:56 am

Dear Senators “Change A Little Bit” Obama and Senators “Low-in-the-Polls” McCain,

Good afternoon. I hope you both had a pleasant weekend selling yourselves to the esteemed undecided voters of our great and occasionally democratic country. You know, I watch C-SPAN, the news, and I read the papers. I hear you guys talking about getting the country out of it’s energy crisis with Nuclear Power, Coal, Offshore Drilling and even that bogus corn whiskey stuff. To be completely honest, I can’t really remember what your differences on this issue are. So I thought I do you a favor and give one of you a severe departure of the middle of the road “I don’t know, what do you want to do” approach to our energy ills. That way you two can have a break from the prom-queen contest that’s going on and yell about your differences on energy.

Now I know the hippies sing about solar and wind powers. But I don’t know if I believe those two things exist or if they should. Seriously, just because something is free doesn’t mean it should be. Forget that junk. What I’m preposing is a new strategy in overcoming the unbalanced equations of our nation’s inter-co-dependence on oil power. I suggest good old fashioned WILL POWER. Ain’t it easy folks? It’s something that New Jersey naturally produces.

How would WILL POWER work. Well if you’re from Jerseys and you’re car’s broken down, and you need to get to the corner store, you’ll get to the corner store. That’s how will power works. If you don’t have electricities in your house and NBC’s Heroes is on and you want to watch that show because you saw last week’s and it left unanswered questions that you think about all week at work, you’ll find a way to watch NBC’s Heroes. That’s will power folks. Will, baby, will!
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Eddie-Torial: Healthcare, folks

22 October 2008, 7:19 am

Dear Senators Obama and Senators McCains,

What is wrong with you guys? I listened to you both run your mouths off about ya healthcare plans but I see that neither of you have the guts or wherewithalls to cure our healthcare woes with the McOwskey vaccine. And don’t pretend you never heard about it. I know you’re both busy listening to the sound of your own voices fill up packed houses of desperate voters but come on, take some time out to listen. To me, spefically.

So if you two rock’em sock’em robots can balance ya taxes and shut up ya traps, I’d like to blow some hot air of my own. At youse.

The McOwskey Healthcare Plans:

1) Here we go folks. First of all Healthcare under a McOwskey New Jersey would be completely free. Doctors visits, surgeries, medications, hospital stays, whatever they got. It’s paid for, by the government. I know what you’re saying, do I want the same people who run the DMV and the schools in charge of my doctors and hospitals. And the answer is YES. It’s free, ain’t it?

2) Well, you’re either like me and don’t question what’s free and good OR you’re like all those bums who pack the trains in the morning and balance their checkbooks, “How do you pay for this, Eddie McOwskey future governors of New Jerseys?” Here’s how: While the healthcare is free, complaining about symptoms or any articulation of pain will cost you. Severelies. My team has put together these estimates:

  • Groaning (getting up from a chair, abdominal pain, carrying a heavy load): $12

  • Coughing: $5 each, 3 for $10

  • Sneezing: $3

  • Wheezing: $2.50

  • Whining (about being sick, your life, waiting in a waiting room): $7

  • Talking When You’ve Lost Your Voice for The Sole Purpose of Telling People You’ve Lost Your Voice: $29

  • Moaning (minor aches and pains, in your sleep, during the throes/discomfort of passion): $11

  • General Complaining (”I feel AWFUL,” “This damn headache,” “My foot hurts”): $53

  • Itching Rashes: $4

  • Opening Your Mouth with the Intent of Editorializing Your Symptoms: $1

  • Making Everyone Aware of A) Car Sickness B) Allergies C) Tiredness D) Missing Your Medication: $6.01

  • “Casually” bringing up the fact that you’ve considered using a Propecia: $12

  • Blowing Your Nose: $8, during a film: $12, on the train: $16

  • Clearing Your Throat: $13

  • Inquiring within a group of 6-8 people if “anyone recommends any homeopathic remedies for symptom x”: $20

  • Commenting on frequent trips to the bathroom: $9

  • Burping, Breaking Wind, and Other Similar Type Events (counts as a verbal comment on your digestive woes): $5

*Please note: charges apply in the privacy of your own home, on public land, and in doctor’s offices.

Folks, just think of how much money the state would rake in or how much free time you’d have if you weren’t commenting on the state of your health.

Dutifully Yours and Seldom My Own,

Eddie Stalwart McOwskey

Filed under Balance Ya Taxes, Eddie-Torial.
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